August 7, 2010

For Jen

I know that just now the anger you feel is blinding. I know you feel betrayed, and let down. I was lucky that my anger happened when I was thousands of miles away. I could wallow in my own pool of anger and depression with little interaction with others. I could pretend in the day to be fine and break down every night. But no one I knew and loved had to witness it because I was gone. I know am so grateful for the distance because I was able to repair myself without letting other people see Sarah at Rock Bottom.

People, and God only knows why, tend to view me as a motherly, strong, calm person. However, when I was at my worst none of this was true. I am thankful for my friend Raina I met while abroad was always there for me when I just needed to cry at 3 am, or be there for me when I just couldn't get to sleep. I tell her all the time that I couldn't have done it without her. She picked up the gelatinous blob that was "Sarah" and pushed me back together.

I'm sorry that you have to do this here with everyone watching. I wish I could give you 3 months in a land far far away to get better. (Notice how I didn't say heal. 3 months wont heal anything completely. But it at least lets you get a scab in place)

When it comes down to it you are also in a much better place because you have some thing that I never had, close friends and family nearby to support you. You know that no matter what I will be here for you. Even when you do get me mad. I love you to the ends of the Earth and will support you if/when you need it. If you need a 3 am cry session come find me! You know where I sleep.

I know this sucks. I know exactly what you are feeling. But I also want you to know that that pressure that you have been feeling pushing down on you will go away. It takes awhile but eventually it vanishes.

I used to count "good days". A Good Day was a day I made it with out breaking down. Meaning a day I didn't cry, didn't hide in my room, and didn't yell. It didn't mean a day I didn't think about it. Because I still think about everything every day. And I still get sad. And I still get angry. And I still miss her. But a good day was a day I felt in control of myself and my feelings.

Eventually my good days went to good weeks. And at some point I didn't need to count any more.

But it's hard. And it sucks. And there are still times when I get teary eyed when I talk about everything. But I know now that I am in control. And that things will be okay.

I love you Cue Tip!

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