Today is the Day

Luck would have it that yesterday around noon I get a text from Margaret, who is currently studying in India, that she threw up for the first time in 10 years. Today she told me that she is having problems with both ends of things.

I get home and see that Mali has had a military coup. I have a friend studying there and word is that she is fine, but of all countries, I did not see Mali as the next one to overthrow their government.

Senegal has elections on Sunday and who knows how those will turn out.

These are the things that make my stomach tight. They make me question my sanity. They make me cross my fingers, wish on a star, say a prayer, that where I am going will be peaceful. That where I am going will be safe and calm.

But my own fears are calmed when I think about the people who don't have a say about whether they live in these countries. People who don't have the means to leave if things get rough. People who are just grateful to be alive today, eat today, work today, and go to school today. Moreover, I feel so proud knowing that I am going to Gambia knowing that I will be giving kids tools that they will be able to use for the rest of their lives.

Yesterday in all of my classes we had parties. I showed all of my kids a map of Africa and then pointed out Gambia to them. I told them about where I would be staying and what I would be doing. They were so amazed (all be it mostly by the fact that where I will be staying has no air-conditioning and less by some of the Gambia history I told them). While I was walking out to my car my heart felt so heavy, I didn't know leaving was going to be this hard. I love those kids and I wish them the absolute best. That feeling in that moment made everything worthwhile: the early mornings; the late night planning; the frantic grading.

I don't know what to expect of my students or my school in Gambia. But I do know this. I cannot wait to meet my students and I cannot wait to sit down with them and learn about their lives. I am going to try my best to be the best teacher I can for these kids. I hope I can give them skills they can use throughout their lives and I hope that they will open up and let me into their school community.

But for now I am going to go hug my father goodbye and spend the morning with my Mom around town. The next time I post I will be in GAMBIA!

We are off again!

On Friday I leave for Gambia, a small country in west Africa (see map below). There I will be teaching for six weeks as a part of my Masters in the Art of Teaching program. The program has been pretty vague about where I will be teaching, but let me tell you what I do know. I am traveling with three other girls; Jess, Kelly, and Allie. Jess and I will be teaching secondary; while Kelly and Allie will be teaching pre-school. I believe I will be working in an all girls school, but that has not been confirmed. I am living in a compound called "Happy Camp", also known as the Tubab (foreigner) Palace. The building apparently towers over all surrounding buildings. We will have a man bring us eggs and milk every morning for breakfast, the program gives us a small stipend for lunch, and a woman comes to the house and makes us dinner. There is wireless internet in one room of the house, the library, and only five people can be on the internet at once. I have to teach in skirts, and pants/shorts are highly discouraged to wear when in public. The current temperature is in the low 100s and I need to take malaria pills.

All in all I know very little, this I find terrifying. I am a planner. Sometimes it scares me how anal I am about organizing things and making myself feel like I am in control. However, after Egypt, I thankfully have learned how to disassociate myself from some things that I have absolutely no way to control. I am preparing myself to get back into Inshallah time, and praying that I don't have a student tell me that Inshallah bukra they will turn their work in to me. (I should come up with a good retort though if someone does try that).


During my time abroad I am going to try my very best to update my blog weekly; however, with the unreliability of electricity/internet I do not know how likely that will be. I will also be blogging at http://edstudies.smcm.edu/in-action/category/interns-abroad/gambia/ , which is the blog affiliated with my MAT program, there you will also be able to read the blogs of the other people who I will be traveling with. I look forward to keeping in touch with everyone!

The Gambia is a tiny country located on the west coast of Africa. You can barely see it in this picture because when the British colonized this land they sailed their ships down the Gambian river, firing cannon balls off the ship onto the river banks. Where the cannon balls landed marked the territory that Britain claimed. This resulted in a small country, the second smallest in the world, that snaked with the Gambian river. 

In this picture you can see Gambia off on the left. It is the brown line in the middle of Senegal.

My MAT So Far

I'm going to school at St. Mary's College of Maryland......

New Beginnings

This week marked the first week of my MAT year! I worked with all of the other wonderful interns in my cohort as camp counselors this week for a Gear Up camp put on by Quantum Learning. The kids who we worked with came from four Prince George's County high schools. They all have shown promise in their schooling; however, when they get to that point they will be first generation college students. Therefore, we all came together to work with them on study skills, and interpersonal skills so they will have all of the necessary tools to make it after high school.

Before we go any further I would like to give everyone some background on how things have been going in my life for the past few months. Let's start back at the end of April...I had finished writing my SMP (St. Mary's  Project, thing undergraduate thesis) and sent it to my adviser. I had a pretty solid powerpoint and scripted speech to present on May 2nd to the entire history department, my friends, and my family. When, as stories go, May 1st rolled around and my hardrive crashed. I had my SMP backed up, but not my powerpoint and script. Needless to say I was a mess. Then on the way to Annapolis to have my hardrive replaced a rock flew up, hit my windshield, and cracked it. Margaret was in the car with me and I hate to say it, but saw me at my absolute lowest. But she was a trooper and kept me sane.

All in all the presentation went well. YAY! But that whole experience put me in such a funk.

Gala was wonderful. I got to see several tipsy professors, always a fun thing. Graduation came and went. The moment everyone looks forward to I approached with lots of apprehension. This whole year I have been comforted by the fact that I would be back on campus. I didn't have to worry like everyone else about impending adulthood. And then the world fell on me all at once. My. God. I'm really here. I had been talking about getting a Masters since High School when I found out I would be going here. But now it was a reality. My five year plan was complete. After this, I'm done.

My mine was on rapid crazy chaotic mode. Where do I go from here? I hadn't had to think about the future, and I had finally put on the shoes that I was so grateful I didn't have to worry about my senior year of college.

This pressure haunted me for the six weeks that I was home. I began to look into PhD programs and look inside me to figure out what in the world I wanted out of my life. Where do I want to be by the time I'm 30? 50? 100?

I'm a worrier. And I think I had perfected the art by the time I got here at the end of June. I was so concerned that this program was going to start and I was going to realize that I really hated the one thing I have ever wanted to do with my life, teaching. But I can say without a doubt after this camp that I know I am working towards everything that I want and need out of my life.

Do to the length of this post I'm going to put the rest of my week with the camp in another post.....more to come soon!

Where do we go now?

You know those moments when you meet someone who you know will change your life forever? I read The Five People You Meet in Heaven the other day and have been thinking about the lessons and stories that are told within the pages of that book. They are as follows:

1. When one person dies or leaves our life we shouldn't focus on the loss, rather we should focus on how we can grow by having had known that person. "Birth and death are part of a whole".

2. Always aspire to sacrifice. For you do not know how one small sacrifice might help to improve someone else's life.

3. We should always forgive, "Holding anger is a poison. It eats you from the inside. We think that hating is a weapon that attacks the person who harmed us. But hatred is a curved blade. And the harm we do, we do to ourselves."

4. "Life has to end...Love doesn't". Love should always be our number one goal, above anything else.

5. Even if we don't think we are where we are supposed to be in our lives, we need to trust that we are on the right path. We all have a purpose, even though we might not see it right now.

School is ending, and graduates worldwide are being told they can do anything. We can change the world. We have the tools and opportunity to make civilization better. And to some, this might be comforting to hear. We can change the world.

But I find this horribly intimidating. I do want to change the world, but I only want to change it for the better. If I had it my way war would end, diseases would stop spreading, and every person on this planet would never feel hunger, pain, or sadness. And my greatest fear is that I will do something to change the world for the worse!

But I find my hope in the last sentence of Five People.  Eddie, the main character, share's his lesson about life; we should know, "that each affects the other and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one."

We are all one people. And what I do in my life will inevitably affect the whole. In the five lessons listed above I see one motif that all share; love. And I know that the Beatles said it better when they simply said, "All you need is Love". But that is where this rambling has gotten me. Maybe all we do need is love. Love for ourselves; which gives us hope and trust in the future. Love for others; which allows us to be our best self in our community. And Love for Love; so we can continually be inspired.


On a more personal level. I graduated from college in May with my Bachelors in History with minors in Women, Gender and Sexuality Studies; and Education. I will being my Masters program to get my Masters in the Art of Teaching in July. It's summer so you will probably hear more of my ramblings until the work picks up! 

Forgetting

Nawal el Saadawi writes in her autobiography Memoirs from the Women's Prison, " The greatest attribute of human beings is that we forget. Would I have survived...without the ability to forget?"

But my question is should we forget? Does it really benefit us, forgetting?

I really need to disconnect from the Internet...

Warning: There are some nasty slurs in this post and harsh language.

I was having a talk with my best friend the other day and we decided that there are times in my life when I really just need to get away from technology for a while because it only leads to making me a very irritated person.

I saw this conversation the other day on a friends Facebook regarding the Mosque at ground zero...

Those stupid towelheads are tryin to put a mosque as a sign of victory right on ground zero where over 3,000 americans died. Thats basically like spittin right on there graves. How dare the president of our country endorse such a thing. Well I'll tell you this much the only way those fuckin towelheads will ever put a mosque near the hallowed ground zero is over my dead body. OORAH!


And a friend of his replies...


FUCK YEAH!!!!! Those fucking sand niggers are gonna be hurtin. fuck them if they think building their bull shit is gonna work, guarantee they put it up i dont give it long before we blow it up. hopeufully during service, might as well get em all, SEMPER FI!!!!!!!


The conversation goes on and on but I thought I would chop it down a bit. 


This is one example of a conversation between two grown adults in the United States over this issue. 


Wow. 


Really Y'all. 


This is what American Patriotism has come down to? Not only am I ashamed, but I'm embarrassed and furious that someone has enough gall to talk this way about a religion and culture that they clearly don't understand. I'm also terrified because the two people holding this discussion are members of our military. 


Here is another article which supports my opinion of the mosque...it's written a bit more eloquently then the opposing views I have presented above.   http://www.cracked.com/blog/3-reasons-the-ground-zero-mosque-debate-makes-no-sense/


Inshallah, God willing, one day soon we will all be able to laugh at this controversy and hold each other close regardless of our religions or cultures. But until then I will always fight for equality and justice. After all the first Amendment to the constitution states, "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof". And that seems pretty clear to me what we need to do. 

For Jen

I know that just now the anger you feel is blinding. I know you feel betrayed, and let down. I was lucky that my anger happened when I was thousands of miles away. I could wallow in my own pool of anger and depression with little interaction with others. I could pretend in the day to be fine and break down every night. But no one I knew and loved had to witness it because I was gone. I know am so grateful for the distance because I was able to repair myself without letting other people see Sarah at Rock Bottom.

People, and God only knows why, tend to view me as a motherly, strong, calm person. However, when I was at my worst none of this was true. I am thankful for my friend Raina I met while abroad was always there for me when I just needed to cry at 3 am, or be there for me when I just couldn't get to sleep. I tell her all the time that I couldn't have done it without her. She picked up the gelatinous blob that was "Sarah" and pushed me back together.

I'm sorry that you have to do this here with everyone watching. I wish I could give you 3 months in a land far far away to get better. (Notice how I didn't say heal. 3 months wont heal anything completely. But it at least lets you get a scab in place)

When it comes down to it you are also in a much better place because you have some thing that I never had, close friends and family nearby to support you. You know that no matter what I will be here for you. Even when you do get me mad. I love you to the ends of the Earth and will support you if/when you need it. If you need a 3 am cry session come find me! You know where I sleep.

I know this sucks. I know exactly what you are feeling. But I also want you to know that that pressure that you have been feeling pushing down on you will go away. It takes awhile but eventually it vanishes.

I used to count "good days". A Good Day was a day I made it with out breaking down. Meaning a day I didn't cry, didn't hide in my room, and didn't yell. It didn't mean a day I didn't think about it. Because I still think about everything every day. And I still get sad. And I still get angry. And I still miss her. But a good day was a day I felt in control of myself and my feelings.

Eventually my good days went to good weeks. And at some point I didn't need to count any more.

But it's hard. And it sucks. And there are still times when I get teary eyed when I talk about everything. But I know now that I am in control. And that things will be okay.

I love you Cue Tip!

I'm so lucky

I got probably the best txt you could ever get yesterday morning when I woke up. My best friend sent me this txt. "You inspired me. I just came out to my home friends as trans." Wow. We haven't had the opportunity to talk about it yet and I really hope that it went well!!! Coming out is a terrifying thing. My best friend is the person who inspired me to write my post about coming out. And continues to inspire me every day.

You are so strong. In the moments when I wanted to blame my sexuality on biology, you made me see that I need to embrace who I am without excuses. You challenge me to think outside of any boxes I encounter. My dear no matter what happens you continue to make me into a better, more truthful, and stronger person. You are my inspiration through and through. And I thank you all the way to the stars.

We need to define a few things.

First you should watch this CNN clip. It's about the move to build a mosque near ground Zero. http://www.cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/us/2010/07/14/am.intv.mosque.ground.zero.cnn.html


Okay I'm REALLY going to try to not sound like a teacher or too condescending. (But I'm afraid both happened) One of the biggest issues I have with Americans is their claim to understand religions, cultures, and languages that they know nothing about. So today we are getting an Arabic lesson; I'm hoping this might help shed some understanding on a few controversial terms.

Every word in Arabic has a three letter root. For example
aDRoS- I study
maDRaSa- School
muDaRaSa- Teacher

All have the root patters DRS. This root pattern conveys the meaning of learning, and any words connected to the process of learning has this root, DRS.

iSLaM- the religion
muSLiM- a follower of Islam
SaLaM- Peace

The root pattern of these words is SLM. SLM means peace. Therefore, Islam means, peacefully submitting oneself to God and Muslim means one who peacefully submits oneself to God.

And the roots are very important. It is actually really offensive to call a Muslim a Muzlim. Because the root ZLM means forcefully submitting oneself to God. One letter can change the complete meaning of a word.

Islam is built on a foundation of Peace. And anyone who wants to contradict me on this I want you to look at how many people world wide have been killed in the name of Christianity since its beginning. And I bet you thought while you read that, "Well sure that has happened. But that isn't REALLY Christianity. The people who did that were not REAL Christians!" And Muslims of the world would say the same things about the "Muslims" who kill innocent people in the name of Islam.

You have to self identify as a member of a religion. You, at some point, choose which religion you are going to stick with. You could choose to have no religion, continue on the path of the religion you were born into or convert to a new one. But because you happen to be a part of a religion does not mean that you have to agree completely with the acts that are done in the name of that religion.

Furthermore, the West's concept of Shari'a, "Islamic law", is far too simplified and contorted. The Shari'a in Saudi is not the same Shari'a in Egypt. There are in fact four schools of Shari'a law (madhab) that are commonly used today; the Hanbali, Hanafi, Shafi, and Maliki schools. Each of these schools of law have their own interpretations of al-Qur'an. And there opinions often differ on the same issues. In most countries you can go to different legal scholars (qadi) and they will tell you what the different schools think about your legal problem and you can actually pick which school you would like to use. It is in countries like Saudi where the Hanbali school of law, which happens to be the most conservative, ends up giving the Shari'a a bad name. 


The Shari'a is composed of 4 elements; The Qur'an (I'm going to do a post all about the Qur'an at some point because I want to clear up some things there too), The Sunna (the sayings and teachings of the Prophet Muhammad), analogy and consensus. I'm sure that you understand what the Qur'an is, the word of God reveled to the Prophet, and the holy book of Islam. The Sunna is made up of hadith which are recordings of things that the Prophet said and did. It is believed that these sayings and actions can help every day people live their lives they way they should. Analogy means, if you were to approach a Shari'a council and ask a question about a modern issue, like is using Facebook okay with Islam. They would go to the Qur'an and Sunna and attempt to draw an analogy from past teachings to teachings today. Consensus, means gathering all of the learned scholars on the topic of a question and use all of your available methods to draw a conclusion that is founded in the Qur'an, the Sunna, and analogy. 


The Shari'a is complicated! And it is hard to study because it varies so much depending on where you are in the world. Much like how democracy varies from country to country. Compare the constitution of the United States to that of the constitution of Germany sometime. HUGE difference. 


Now we get to that scary word, the one that strikes fear into the hearts of many, jihad. What does this mean? We only hear about jihad in the sense that this woman is speaking about; a violent attack against Western Christians, or to put it more broadly, Islamic violence against everyone. Jihad has two components. There is an internal jihad. This can be related to the Christian notion of keeping yourself from sinning and working every day to be a more Godly person. And an outer jihad, and in this lies the problem. Some groups interpret outer jihad with fighting, and killing. But I believe that this violates the basic tenants of Islam. An outer jihad I would liken to the Christian notion of spreading the Word, and showing your love of God in all circumstances. It is an outer act as opposed to an inner contemplation. 


What happened on 9/11 was horrible and it is a day that I will never forget. It was also on that day that I myself found myself thinking, "Oh my God please don't ever let one of those terrorists get near me. I will never go to the Middle East. The Arabs, and the Muslims are mean evil people." But that was my ignorance; which was perpetuated by the people I lived around and with. 


Ground Zero is a place of peaceful remembrance. It is a place of contemplation, grief, and at the same time empowerment. There is no reason why Muslims should be prevented from morning, grieving, and remembering with the rest of us. I can promise you this. The Muslims of the world will be living with the remembrance of 9/11 longer and more deeply then anyone else will. Just like the Germans will forever be working to overcome the horrors of World War II. The Muslims are beyond "sensitive to our pain". They weep for us every day. They pray for acceptance in a country that prides itself on "Freedom". The whole world was hurt that day. New stereotypes were made that day. But there is still time to break the stereotypes. There is still time to BUILD and GROW. We need to break the glass ceilings of our minds. We need to embrace difference and work WITH, not against, each other's cultures, religions, and beliefs. And only then can we plant the seeds of Change. 

Me

Who am I?

My name is Sarah Hathaway Shipley. I am 21 years old. I am 5 feet 2(ish) inches tall. Blue eyed. Blonde hair. I have one brother and one sister. I have lived in 3 houses all in one city. My mother, father, brother, sister and myself were all born in the same hospital. I am a history major. I want to teach. I want to work with people who are pushed aside. I am dyslexic. I think I write horribly. I believe in God. I am a Christian. I am a hopeless romantic. I love spoiling the people I love. I like how when I play music I am able to make people feel the same thing I am feeling at the same moment I am feeling it. I find peace in sunsets and inspiration in sunrises. I have traveled to Europe, Asia, and Africa. But there is something that I tend to hide. Something I don't talk about much But we are going to talk about it now.

Growing up I always thought it was wrong. In middle school I would lay in bed at night and tell myself, "No you can't feel this way. It will pass. Don't worry. You can't be a freak." I would cry. I would scream into pillows. I wanted to be "normal".


What is "normal"?


When it comes down to it we are all here for a short period of time. The world has been here for millions of years. And one human is here for 80. In that short span of the Earth's life cycle is our moment to leave our mark. I want to help people. I want to travel. I want to Change The World; as cliche and nieve as that sounds. We are a drop in the bucket of time. And for the sake of the people who come after us we NOW need to be strong. We need to do what we are afraid of. We need to build a community. We need trust, strength, and determination. But the only way to build a community is to admit who you are completely and totally.

To some I might not be "normal". I might be the devil. I might be a godless, terrifying person.

But I know what it feels like to be terrified. I know what it feels like to not feel safe when you walk to your car at night in a parking lot. I know what it feels like to have people you have never met come onto you in public places. I know what it feels like to believe that you don't have any control over your life. I know what it feels like to think God has lost you. I know what it feels like to be scared. I know what it feels like to not be able to sleep because of the nightmares and paranoia. I know. We all know.

But I also know strength. I know courage. I know power. I know that now I have control. I know that I am loved. And I know that anything I am put up against I can take.

And I know what it feels like to know that God has found me; or I have found God. God to me is more like my Grandmother than anyone else. Granny and I talk often. My Granny God has helped me through anything. And I know that no matter what She will always love me. Growing up every night before bed the five of us; Mom, Dad, Brother, Sister, and I, would hold hands and say nighttime prayers. At the end we would always say, in unison, "And God bless every body else in the Whole Wide World Amen!" Then we would go to bed.

And I think we are all blessed.... Because we are all here. We have a short span of time here. Lets make the most of it. And in that time we have to be true to ourselves and the people around us. And that is why to my list of things I am I am going to add; I am queer. I have fallen in love. I have felt heart break. I am still in love.

I read somewhere once, "We should never regret loving. We should regret holding back." So today I stop holding back. I'm coming out of my virtual closet. I have dated 3 women. I have known I liked women since I was 12 years old. I am happy with loving women.

I once held my lover's hand so tight knowing that that would probably be the end. I remember the look in my lover's eyes as I left. I still have the final txts we exchanged. But no matter how hard it got. We had friendship. And if anything being in relationships that society deems taboo has taught me that friendship is always more important that sex. You can conquer any obstacle that you face if you have people to back you up. Sex brings two people together. It doesn't build a coalition. Being queer means more than who I have sex with. It's a community. And a community supports each other. No matter what.

If you are reading this you are loved. You have a community. You have a place.

In the words of Kate Bornstein, live how you want. love who you want. just don't be mean to people. that is the only rule.

Thrive.

My inspiration

Every time I come home I am reminded of the amazing women who came before me. I know I have talked about my maternal grandmother before, Granny, and she seems to be poping up a lot lately. Every time my extended family gets together she always comes up. Not only was she the Matriarch of our family but I strongly believe that she has influenced each and every one of us more than we would like to let on. I have been thinking about her a lot lately as I sit and watch TV and knit. I know she would have preferred me to crochet...but sorry Gran knitting just took better than crocheting! When my cousins, Mother, Father and brother and I went out for drinks the other week Granny came up once again but this time we also talked about my Grandfather. My grandfather rarely comes up in casual conversation unless it is related to his drinking problem which eventually killed him in June of 1972. And although we were once again talking about his drinking problems I learned more about him and my Grandmother than I had known before. Granny apparently always said that he was a different man after he came back from the war; he was in the Pacific during World War II. But nonetheless, they had 4 more children. I also learned that in the end he was pretty much forced into early retirement because his drinking was starting to interfere with his work. He was in the medical profession soooooo being drunk on the job really didn't go over well. The day before he died my grandmother found this poem on the bed. (Granny wrote on the side "Found on bed morning of June 7, 1972")

To my dearest:
      Remember me when I am gone away, gone far
                away into the silent land;
      When you can no more hold me by the hand,
                nor I, half turn to go, yet turning stay.
      Remember me when no more, day by day, you
                 tell me of our future that you planned:
      Only remember me; you understand it will be
                  too late for counsel then or prayer
      Yet if you should forget me for a while and
                  afterwards remember, do not grieve:
       For if the darkness and corruption leave a vestige
                  of the thoughts that once I had,
       Better by far you should forget and smile than
                  that you should remember and be sad.
                                         All my love, always, Forbes


For a while we thought that my grandfather had written this poem. But it turns out it was written by a woman, Christina Rossetti at the end of the 19th century. But what I love about this is that we have the original poem he left and you can see the handwriting change. He knew he was dying. And the last line "All my love, always, Forbes" is so sloppy compared to the rest of the poem. You can almost feel how hard it was to write that. He was saying goodbye forever. And thats something I couldn't even imagine doing.

But throughout everything Gran always said that she couldn't wait to see Forbes, my grandfather, again. If anything that just tells you how much she was able to forgive, and move on. Granny lived through a lot. She lived through the depression, and as a result would save EVERYTHING! FYI tin foil should not only be used once everyone. It can be used over and over and over again...even when it starts to turn colors. She had an alcoholic husband, and raised 5 children and supported many grandchildren, great-grandchildren, neighbors and friends.  She found her father dead after he killed himself- Something we never talk about and I have always wondered why. I have also wondered how this effected my grandmother. She was alive for women getting the vote, she went to college when it wasn't fashionable for women to do so, and she held a job for most of her life. Overall I would say she was a pretty amazing person. She saw everything but always had a smile on her face, and a tray full of candy for you when you came to visit.

My paternal grandmother, Grammy, we didn't get to know as well as Granny. She died of dementia when I was only 4 years old I believe. The only real memory I have of her is her holding me but not knowing to let go and I was terrified. Mom like to tell the story that after Grammy's funeral I came up to her and said that we needed to go buy a balloon for Grammy. When Mom asked why I said, "So she can play with it in heaven." What I wanted to do was get a balloon and let go of it for her. I mean we all know the balloons have GPS and can get to their intended recipients! Grammy was an amazing woman herself. Her husband died when my father was 11 and my aunt was 9. This was in 1959 and it wasn't normal to have a working single mother. But she did it anyway. She worked at a shoe store and my Dad was thrown in to the position as the "man of the house". This is probably why he is so stubborn today. I wish I could have gotten to know Grammy more because we are apparently very similar. She used to make my aunt a new dress every week. And I am currently working on a dress to wear to my cousin's wedding next week. She was also a pack rat and so am I! I keep anything with the littlest sentimentality attached. But for the most part she remains a mystery to me. I know my father and aunt have always called her "Mother" never "Mom". Just little things like that. I hope I can find out more! Time to start asking questions.

My last great woman family member that I know about was my great-grandmother, my mother's father's mother. She was also a single parent but at the beginning of the 20th century. Her husband left, I'm not sure if they divorced or just separated. But I know that it was never discussed and my Grandmother didn't know that her husband's father wasn't dead until someone came and told them that he had just died. I believe that's how the story goes at least....correct me on any of this if you are reading and I got it wrong by the way. She raised her boys without a husband and it just amazes me that she was able to do that at the beginning of the 20th century! Did she work? How did she get money? Did they live with family somewhere? Did the boys work to bring home money for the family? This has always been something I have wondered about.

And lastly but surely not least my Mother has been the best support system I ever could have asked for. We have thrown her so many curve balls over the years but she always sticks by us kids. Mom was at every band competition, every band fund raiser, sports fundraiser, concert, game etc. She also at one point was holding 4 jobs, K-Mart, the Bank, Keys Stadium, and Treasurer for the Band Boosters (trust me she wasn't getting payed for it but it took up a TON of time and commitment). My whole life Mom has taught me how to be supportive, how to twirl my hair, how to be a multi-tasker, how to give good massages, how to make perfectly alined  poster boards, how to spell, how to respect everyone, how to drive, how to be a good person, and how to be an amazing mother. Thank you for putting up with my nonsense. And I can't wait to become better friends with you as I get older.

One day I hope that I can make my list of top women in my family. I hope that I will break boundaries, break glass ceilings, break expectations, and set new limits. I'm almost ready to get started. And I know that I have huge shoes to fill considering the women who have come before me. But I am excited.

The Problems with Ignorance

I am loving my summer down at St. Mary's. I am learning so much and gaining tons of experience with artifact conservation, and identification; as well as archaeological practices. I work with an amazing group of people and surprisingly enough the numbers of men and women are almost equal, 8 men 7 women. In a field that historically has been dominated by men it's good to see that women are starting to show up out in the field.

The real reason why I'm writing this though is because I'm irritated and want to talk about an issue that is often pushed aside in the US. Since 2000 we have been engaged in 2 wars. And as a result the only thing that we typically hear about Israel and Palestine are when missiles are fired. When the flotilla incident happened I was happy to see that the world started taking notice of the injustices that are constantly inflicted on the Palestinian people.

As human beings we all are entitled to clean water, food, shelter, medical care, the right to live, and the right to feel safe. I think that we can all agree on this. However, these are the things that are being denied to Palestinians. In Gaza after the Gaza war in 2008 many of the water treatment facilities were destroyed. Israel does not let in cement, for fear that cement will be used to make bombs. And therefore, the treatment plants cannot be rebuilt. Furthermore, Israel has control over the pipelines which move water into Gaza and they have the ability to greatly limit the amount of water enters Gaza. I was trying to find this fact sheet I saw once but I couldn't find it....it gave the break down of what the UN says every human being is entitled to (ie 30 liters of clean water a day) and then next to that it gave the amount of that good which each individual in Gaza receives every day. It was shocking the contrast between the two numbers.

Now Israel is saying that they are letting goods into Gaza. However, in a conversation I had with a friend of mine the other day who lives in Gaza I asked what goods they were actually receiving. (I've learned to not trust news services and if I really want to know what's going on I need to go directly to someone on the ground.) She told me that the goods they are receiving are things that you don't need to live day to day.  For example, ketchup, sewing needles, and makeup. She also said that electricity is getting more spotty every day and if anything since the Flotilla incident things have gotten worse not better as Israel is claiming.

I just hope that one day people will be able to put aside all of the atrocities that each side have inflicted on the other. I do not think that blowing yourself up or planting bombs is the best way for peace. I also do not think that building walls, which have been deemed illegal by the UN, or denying people basic needs is a way for peace.

What will solve this problem is each side recognizing that in the end we are all humans and this humanity is what binds us together. We in the US also need to realize that every news source will not tell the Palestine's side of the story because each year the US gives millions of dollars to Israel so the TV stations would be reprimanded for speaking out against Israel (Israel receives the most assistance over any other country from the US....which doesn't make much sense because they are very well off...what about those third world countries where people don't have running water?) This means that we have the hard job. Seek out atypical news sources. Talk to people who have been to the Middle East. GO to Israel AND Palestine. Ignorance is Fear. If we abolish Ignorance then Fear will also disappear.

U-Turns

My two friends, Jess and Elena, thought I was in a "funk" yesterday evening so they took me out to a Drag Show and the Pride kick off event at Town in DC. I had to be drug there at first but it was well worth the exhaustion today.

On the way to Town we passed by a church in South East DC off Route 5 that had a sign in front that said, "Don't worry, God allows U-Turns." My first thought was....why in the world would you ever advocate U-Turns?! If we are all making U-Turns then we will end up like New Jersey where you cannot make a left hand. In order to go Left in NJ you go Right into a jug handle (aka U-Turn) so you can re-enter the intersection and finally go where you wanted to go which is now right in front of you (I know confusing right! You also are not allowed to pump your own gas in Jersey). Don't get me wrong I REALLY love jug handles...there is even picture evidence of this on Facebook....and I love New Jersey. But really...sometimes wouldn't it just be easier to make the left hand turn?

Furthermore, if you have already been down that road why would you ever want to revisit it? You have seen all the sights on that road, stopped at all the restaurants, met the people who live down that road. And clearly there is a reason why you didn't park on that road. You kept driving for a reason right?

I pointed this out to Jess and Elena who gave me a different view on U-Turns (keep in mind Jess is from NJ...so she may be biased....) I said that I would never want to make a U-Turn because the way I see U-Turns are a form of back tracking. I would rather keep moving straight. Turning Left and Right, merging, taking new roads and never using my rearview mirror. I didn't want to go back to where I have already driven through. Jess and Elena, however, really liked the idea of U-Turns because what if you missed something? What if you really needed to get to a house that was on the opposite side of the freeway that you couldn't get to before? What if you realized that you made a wrong turn and you REALLY did need to back track?

One of my biggest problems is reflecting on past events and growing and building upon them. Maybe I could benefit from a few U-Turns every now and then. After all if you do take a U-Turn you aren't driving on the exact same road. You are on the other side of a road you used to be on. And maybe that is where you need to be.

So Long No Talk

Hey.....So I am so sorry that I haven't updated in a while! Let me give you a run down of the past four months!

Things I did this semester

I was in the Vagina Monologues- We raised over $1,700 to support women who have been assaulted.
I made costumes for the musical Cabaret at my College. It was one of my favorite shows I have worked on...I love musicals!!
I worked on a group quilt with the people I work with- As a result I have started working on a quilt on my own. I'm excited to see how it turns out!
I started a book club- It was themed books by women all over the world. We read books written by women from China, to Egypt, to the US....
I made a Consent Zine
I was co-president of FUSE-Feminists United for Sexual Freedom
I TAed an Introduction to Islam class- I want to teach in the future and this was such an amazing experience I cannot wait to teach again!
I spoke at the Women, Gender, and Sexuality Colloquium- The Theme this year was Women in Politics.
I am now doing Archeology at Historic St. Mary's City
I traveled to Florida to visit Raina, my friend from Egypt, and my friend from high school Lacey- University of Florida is BEAUTIFUL!!!!! I hope I get to go back and visit sometime soon!
I played in a LOT of SNOW! It was really shocking to the system at first. But I love snow!

I learned a lot while I was gone....

Patience- Learned
When I left for Egypt I was one of the most impatient people in the world. I was defiantly operating on fast paced US time. I have learned that for some things just take longer to get done. Whether it is overcoming an obstacle, learning something new, or accomplishing an every day task; eventually everything will get done. If you just wait things will fall into place...sometimes it just takes longer then we want it to.

Pace of Living-Things Will Get Done
This goes alone with the above. I used to have panic attacks if I was going to be late to something. I am happy to say that this no longer happens! I know at times I got SO mad at how erratic and chaotic things seemed when I got to Egypt. This can even be seen in by blog entries...I was VERY irritated in the beginning....but it got better. Patience has defiantly helped me with this. I know that everything I need to do will get done. It its own time everything will get accomplished. I know I sound like a fortune cookie....but I see now that we are never given more then we can handle. I used to get SO mad when people would tell me this. But I love that I can say it now with confidence that it is true. It is something I struggle with every day. But I know that in the end everything will work out.

True Life-I'm A Caffeine Addict
I AM SO ADDICTED TO CAFFEINE!!!!! I gave it up for a while in Egypt...but I am completely back on the wagon and I wish I wasn't! I still think that the best coffee I have ever had was the coffee I got by the Med in Lebanon....I would go back just for that.

Fall in Love- Love is Hard- Love Takes Work
I learned a lot about love over the past year. Love is the one thing that has the power to make you feel so amazing and make you feel like complete shit. Things got bad when I was in Egypt with the person I was in love with. But it was through my heart break that I learned how much work it takes to be in love. When you are together that love comes so easily. But it is the distance that really shows you your love. Long distance relationships are hard. They hurt. Frankly they suck. But in the end I think they are the most gratifying because they teach you so much about yourself. They are the best learning experiences and I am glad that I had this one. I am no longer with the person I was with when I went to Egypt. But I will always be grateful for my time with that person. Since then I have experienced many different forms of love and they have all been influenced from my work with love from Egypt and I am excited to explore love in the future.


Things Get Bad- But I Can Do It 
The title pretty much says it all. My trip to St. Anthony's Monastery still helps me every day that things go wrong (for more details read my post about it earlier...). Every day I wake up with my mantra and I try to think about it and live it every day. Egypt was one of the best learning experiences of my life and I am excited to see how these lessons play out in my life in the future. I can't wait to go back!

What's going to happen now...

So I am home but there is still a lot I would like to write about. Some of it is the more controversial stuff that I didn't feel comfortable writing about while in Egypt and some of the stories I have I didn't want to terrify my Mother with before I got home so she could see I was safe and sound. Over the next few weeks I'm going to wrap up with the more scandalous side of my trip....the good, the bad, and the ugly.

First though I just wanted to say that I am beyond grateful that my parents let me have this experience. I really do have some of the best parents out there for letting me travel to Egypt and travel all over the Mediterranean. Thank you for pushing aside your prejudices and your fears and allowing me to go to a place in the world where most people are terrified to go. My eyes were opened and I fell completely and totally in love with the Middle East. Never in my life have I interacted with people who, for the most part, wanted to help me so much and were so caring and absolutely wonderful.

Most of all I want to thank Sarah Elmeshad for everything that she did for me. This woman is the most thoughtful, caring, determined, faithful, and loving person I have ever met. She met me at the airport when I first arrived in Cairo, got me set up with a phone, fed me my first meal in Cairo, fed me when I couldn't find food, took me to the grocery store, let me play with her children, invited me into her home, took me to buy school supplies, drove me all over the place, and bought me my last meal in Cairo. She was the best blessing anyone could ever have hoped for and I am so glad that my Aunt Anne put me in contact with her.

But what saddens me the most is that this amazing woman would be SO discriminated against in the US, and is even discriminated against in Egypt. She wears a niqob, meaning all you can see are her eyes when she is out in public. And I hate to say it but before going to Egypt I would have immediately judged her. But I am happy that she was able to show me my prejudices and I am so grateful for all of our talks about religion, politics, kids, school, work, and life in general.

Sarah you were my guardian angel in Egypt and I am so happy to have had you there.

More stories to follow!
~S

The Power of the Pharaohs...

It's days like today when the world amazes me. I woke up this morning at 7:30 to take a final and noticed that it was windier than usual outside. After dropping off my final paper for my Arab Women's Autobiographies class I noticed that a sandstorm was blowing in. There were times I was walking but I felt like the wind was pushing be backwards....like how it feels when you walk down the path behind Dorch and the wind from the water blows right up the hill. Except this time it wasn't just the cold that was biting your face there was sand in it as well. Now I don't know about you, but I never expected sand to be able to cause as much damage as it does. But it makes sense if you think about it....sand after all is just rock mashed into billions of little peaces.

The sand blowing through my desert campus was ripping through signs displayed all over campus. It was invading our rooms through closed doors, and closed windows. It was drying our throats, and stinging our eyes. The security guards throughout campus donned medical masks so they could still be out on campus without inhaling the sand.

Sadly enough finals don't stop for sandstorms! So I still had my two papers and one exam to turn in today. But I am actually happy that I got to be out in the storm. You read about  sandstorms and their magical abilities for sand to get EVERYWHERE. But I never really realized how true it is. My room which had the door and windows shut all day now has a nice thin layer of dust on the floor. My throat is dry from sand, and my eyes are loving the fact that I wear glasses for some protection....it was bad enough with glasses I don't know how people got through today without something over their eyes.

But the sandstorm also made me wonder about the thousands, probably millions, of Egyptians who don't have a place to hide. When you walk around the city, or even just drive around Cairo in general, you will see more poverty than you could even imagine. Right down the road from my state of the art university there are new buildings and homes being built and people live in the shells of these structures. Or people live in shacks built up next to them. How do these people hide? Their homes are built out of discarded building materials and are meant to be able to be destroyed after the building project is complete. When can they go to escape the stinging sands of the desert?

The sun is setting now and the sky has turned a bluish, orangeish, grayish, yellowish color...a mixture of sunset and sand. There is a hush around campus like how it sounds after a snow falls. The campus smells like dust and everyone has a gritty feel in their teeth. But the storm has passes...at least for right now...and all we can do for now is wait for the dust to settle so that tomorrow we can clean.

xoxo
~S

This was what weather.com looks like when there is a sandstorm going on outside....

Lebanon: A Trip to the Movies

You know why blogs are amazing? They are the perfect procrastination tool! I can do something that is not studying yet feel like I am doing something wonderfully productive!! ...Hence why you are getting two posts in the span of two days :-P

Raina and I had gone out for Nescafe and a walk along the Med when we got a phone call from her cousin Fadi saying he wanted to take us out to the movies with his family. We said sure and agreed to meet him by a hotel down by the water so he could pick us up. What movie did we see? None other than the famed 2012 (and I must say I thought it was going to be SO cheesy but it wasn't too horrible). We got to the mall right when the movie was scheduled to start. (and guess what....I wasn't freaking out about being late at all! I'm Cured!!! lol) But it also might be because I knew we were in an Arab country where nothing runs on time...so of course the movie started late. But no worries about having good seats because apparently over here when you buy your tickets for the movies it is like going to see a play you buy your seats ahead of time too! So we got out tickets and had an usher walk us to our assigned seats!

Now this wasn't your ordinary theater....I swear to you I could have fit two people in my seat. They were big and comfy! I don't know why the US hasn't picked up on this wonderful trend!! I sat down and looked up at the screen and noticed that there were Arabic and French subtitles on the screen! It was so wild...and slightly inconvenient. For those of you who haven't seen 2012 yet then I should explain that for the most part everyone speaks English. However, there are times when the action is taking place in France/ Tibet and the actors are not speaking English. I am assuming that in the States when these parts of the film come on there are English subtitles....However, that was not the case in Lebanon. When the actors were speaking French there was only Arabic subtitles, and when the actors were speaking any other language the subtitles were still only in French and Arabic. (The whole time I was in Lebanon I was kicking myself for not knowing ANY French...all I can say is "Oui" and Will you go to bed with me tonight...thanks to Moulin Rouge) So I was extremely happy to have Raina sitting next to me translating everything from French to English for me! (Raina is one of those magical people in the world who speaks several languages fluently; French, Haitian Creole, English, and she is working on Arabic)

The movie was good, the popcorn was yummy. I loved that everyone clapped when something cool happened on screen. (Just like how everyone claps when the plane lands!) It was a wonderful night out. Plus I got to spend time with Raina's little cousins, Fadi's kids. They were adorable and made me really miss my little brother. I wish I could have spoken with them more though...once again why didn't I take French!!??!

I think living in the Arab world has also really shown me how concerned we are in the US about time. We are OBSESSED with time. I have to say that things do get done faster in the US and things are probably done more efficiently. But look at all the things we loose as a result of that. I have a panic attack if I am late to something. I start getting nervous 15 minutes before I have to be anywhere....even if I am already in route to that place...heck even if I am already at my intended destination. Will it kill me if I get to a place on time rather than 10 minutes early? No, but I was taught that it would. Why can't we relax? Why do we always have to worry?

Why can't we readopt the days where people get off an hour or two for lunch so they can go home to their families eat with them, have a siesta, then go back to work? Why is the world so focused on the end product of things they can't see how they are killing themselves in the present? I didn't know I was freaking out about being late to things until my partner pointed it out to me. I didn't know that my own internal fear was visible. We today become so immune to our own internal feelings and are constantly sacrificing ourselves for the "good" of everyone around us. That is my biggest flaw...and I am working on it. (wow talk about a tangent.... Back to studying!!!!!!)

Much Love!
~S

PS Back to the US in 7 days!!!!!!!!!!

Lebanon part deux

In the three months that I had been living in Egypt prior to going to Lebanon I probably lost somewhere between 5-8 pounds. Thats what happens when you live off of food you can make in a microwave/hot plate/water boiler. So I was looking forward to eating home cooked meals for a week like you wouldn't believe!! I had also heard stories every day about the amazing food that I was in store for from Raina nearly every day leading up to going to Lebanon. The things that were on the top of my need to eat list were tabbouleh, chocolate croissants, fattoush, and falafel. But never would I have guessed how much food I was going to eat that week or how many different types of food I was going to eat.

I ended up in Lebanon during 'Eid, and part of the holiday is a feast. But I swear to you I feasted EVERY night. The first full day I was in Lebanon I hadn't yet figured out that one I need to eat slowly so that I am not encouraged to keep eating after I am full, and two my stomach hadn't yet expanded to be able to accommodate the amount of food I was now eating compared to my meals back in Egypt. So at around 3am after my first full day in Beirut I got sick...and the wonderful food I had been enjoying all day payed me a second visit. :-( Thank-God Raina came and found me and helped me clean up after myself and shove me into bed. (SORRY RAINA!!!)

But nonetheless....you all seriously need to eat some Lebanese food. Come find me in the US and I will cook some for you! Let me describe to you a normal eating day. Wake up and drink tea and/or Turkish Coffee, eat fruit, chocolate croissants, that cheese filled stuff, lentils with olive oil, mint, and lemon. Lunch would be Mana'esh bread filled with cheese or zatar...which I don't know how to describe..., hummus, lots of flat bread, wara 'inab grape leaves filled with rice and/or meat, tabbouleh parsley salad usually eaten on lettuce leaves (AMAZING), fattoush also salad like, or we would eat out and eat normal restaurant food, and we ended with fruit and coffee/tea for desert. Dinner was usually more of an experience one night we went to a restaurant right on the Med...you name it it made it's way to our table that evening. But the reason we went out that night was to eat fish, don't tell my father, but I ate an entire fish that night! It was a once in a life time experience :-P One of my favorite dishes I ate the whole week though was loubia bi zeit green beans, olive oil, garlic, and tomatoes (YUMM). After we went to the movies (Will come in another post soon) Raina's cousin Fadi took us and his family out for falafel...and I must say Lebanon totally does falafel better than Egypt. 


All in all Lebanon was a fabulous eating adventure and I would encourage everyone to visit Lebanon in the future...even if it is just for a day so you can drink Nescafe from a street vender on the Med and drink a Lebanese beer, smoke argila, and munch on maza in one of the cafes lining the cliffs!


Much Love,
~S

Lebanon part one of a few!

I don't think I can even accurately describe to anyone how amazing Lebanon was. Beirut is beautiful, you can walk along the cornish at sunset sipping nescafe from a street vender (probably the best coffee I have ever had) and watch the sun set over the Med, you can sit in a cafe in the recent remodeled downtown, enjoy a fabulous meal and smoke argila under the watchful eyes of the most beautiful mosque I have ever seen, you can hit up a mall and shop (or in my case take absurd amount of pictures of Christmas decorations), and you can see buildings with bullet holes in them and holes bigger than me blown into the sides from bombings. My trip was eye opening and so enlightening. I was able to talk to people who have seen war, who have been refugees, who have had bullets fly into their houses. I wasn't getting my information from a book, a newspaper, an article, I got to hear first hand peoples experiences and it was so moving.

But most importantly I got to live with some of the nicest people I have ever met. Raina Zantout's  family was so very kind and I couldn't have asked for better people to spend my break with. They stuffed me full of amazing food at every meal (I loved it so much I wend and bought a Lebanese cookbook) and after every meal and before bed every night and for snacks during the day we would drink Turkish Coffee (which I learned how to make!!!) and Tea. Tante Fatme (Raina's Aunt) was SO kind and saw to our every need, she reminded me so much of my Grandmother and I loved sitting with her before bed while she had her evening cigarette and listening to her stories. Tante Nooha (Another Aunt) cooked a majority of the food and I WISH I could learn all of the recipes she has in her head! Tante Farida (Aunt number 3) was always willing to share stories and making sure Raina and I were safe and sound. Amu Najib (Uncle) provided a nice balance to the estrogen filled house :-P and Raina's Aunt Tante Nour from down the street would often come and visit and we went there once too to visit (her house was SWANKY!).

We were in Lebanon during 'Eid al-Adha which celebrates Abraham's extreme devotion to God that he would even sacrifice his own son Ishmael to God because that is what God had commanded. However, after the sacrifice had been performed God comes to Abraham and tells him that a sheep was sacrificed instead and God had saved his son because Abraham was able to transcend his love for this world to show his extreme love of God. This is also why during 'Eid al-Adha sheep are sacrificed and their meat is donated to the poor. 'Eid al-Adha follows the month of Hajj and the festivities last for three days. So during these three days many visitors came to Beit Zantout and I got to meet many family friends and relatives. Raina's Aunt who lives in Texas was in town, several of Raina's cousins who live outside of Lebanon were around and of course everyone who lived close by came to visit. Everything reminded me so much of holidays back home. I come from a large family and LOVE family gatherings because of the complete chaos with tons of people crowded together.

I am so happy I went and I can't wait to share more of my stories with you!!!

Much Love,
~S